I just feel like I’m not growing

Yes. I feel like I’m not growing. I’m not growing as a person. I’m not moving forward. I’m not enough. I’m still not the person I want to be. 

Most of the people that I have acquainted are already having the time of their lives and all I can do was stare at their photos, hit that LIKE button, feel envious, and continue my unproductive life. Am I not worth improving? Am I really bound to be stuck in where I’m at? 

I have been feeling so lonely these past few months. I have been trying so hard but I guess I’m still the person I was when I’m hoping for something more. Something big that this life could offer.

I’m lost. But I know I have my physical self intact. I’m not the person that people would want to know. I’m not the person that people would like to spend their time with. I’m not the person with blings and Instagram-worthy life. I’m not moving.

I’m a failure. I always am. I’m not strong. I’m weak. I fucking am. 

I have mixed and unidentified emotions. One moment, I would love to talk to someone about anything and everything, and then the other, I would not like to. Because who will I talk to? That’s another factor. Ayaw ko ng maglabas oa ng sama ng loob sa tita ko kasi baka sawa na siya sa drama. Baka mas magiging matatag ako kung haharapin ko yung sakit na nararamdaman ko ng mag-isa. Ayokong nakakaabala ako ng tao eh, hangga’t maaari. 

What will happen? What will happen if I choose not to exist? Or if something happened that will make me disappear? I know my mom will be relieved. I mean, I’ve caused her so much pain. I’m literally a pain in the ass all the time. And it’s not just a light, curable kind of pain. That pain was too much. It was a destructive, immoral kind of pain.

So, this is Shani Basbas, not aspiring in anything anymore, wanting to really sign off from life. 
10:58 PM. 2nd of June 2017


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